Ez így nyelvtanilag oké? jól jönne még néhány ötlet a fogalmazáshoz. (angol)

Egy "earliest memories"-t kellett írnom.

(Segítségnek ezek a szempontok voltak megadva: How old were you?Where were you?Who were you with?,Describe the scene.What were you/other people doing?What was the weather like?,What happened?describe the events.how did you feel?)

és ezt írtam:

I was about 6 years old. The sun was shining and the weather was warm. While my mother was in the kitchen, my sister and I played in our room. Than my sister sat on the bed and she was watching TV. I started climbing at the wardrobe. After I had fallen. I broke my had. I was scared and upset. I cried after my mother had come to the room. She was shocked and a little upset. After a few minute later we went to the doctor.