Angolosok! ROMANTIKUS fanficet fordítok, megnéznétek, hogy ez a pár sor így helyes-e? ^^"

Nem értek a fanfichez (igazából nem is tudom, mi az), és angol anyanyelvű sem vagyok, szóval nem akarnék nagyon belekontárkodni. Ami eszembe jutott: ez a végső külalak? Mer'hogy:

"Rei-" Her voice was muffle (stb.). "Your are a piece of me (?part of me?), Rei, (stb.) And stay in your arms like this forever," whispered Nagisa. It was just too comfortable hugging... (szerintem nem kell a 'to') ... "I..." panted heavily,"...really like to kiss you, Rei.

szóval a nagy összevisszaság lényege, hogy az angol nem gondolatjelez, vesszőt tesz oda a párbeszédben, ahová mi semmit, stb. -- a nyelvi részbe nem merek belefolyni, bocsi, de értettem mindent, szóval nagy baj nem lehet :)

- Rei... * Her voice was muffled and softer than usual. Nagisa's head resting just under Rei's chin and her face pressed into his collar bone, smiling into the warm skin. She just realized she totally fell for him.*

- You are a piece of me Rei, of course I won't go back to my parents. All I want is just to be with you! And stay in your arms like this forever.

* Whispered Nagisa. It was just too comfortable hugging Rei and listening to his heartbeat. The emotions washed over her like a huge wave and she didn't allow Rei to finish his sentence as she leaned over and kissed his open mouth again. There was no longer hesitation in the way her lips moved, she left soft kisses and little nips again and again, as if she tried to kiss all better. She made delighted sounds and became more eager for his touch. Soon she broke away and looked into his eyes intently.*

- I... * pants heavily * ...really like to kiss you Rei. I wish we could do this more often.

'Nagisa's head resting just under Rei's chin and her face pressed into his collar bone, smiling into the warm skin.' ez nem helyes, nincs is állítmányod benne.

Esetleg: 'Nagisa's head rested /was resting under Rei's chin and her face was pressed onto his collar bone, as she smiled into the warm skin.

'All I want is just to be with you!' itt vagy 'all I want is to be with you' vagy 'I only want to be with you'

'And stay in your arms like this forever' itt kell a to is: 'And to stay in your arms like this forever'

'It was just too comfortable hugging Rei and listening to his heart beating.' itt meg nem kell a to

A többi nyelvtanilag nem helytelen, de kicsit fura, látszik, hogy tudsz angolul, de az is, hogy nem vagy angol, ami egy könyv/ fanfiction írásnál elég nagy baj. Olvass sokat angolul, néz filmeket meg minden és később visszatérhetsz hozzá.

kissed his open mouth again

open helyett opened

Nálam "open mouth", de kíváncsiságból rákerestem. :)

opened: [link]

open: [link]